Emo Philips Quotes

You know, at parties, people always ask, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi!

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’

Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

People always ask me, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’