Norm MacDonald Quotes

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know?

I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are… You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

You can’t love your team without hating another team.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don’t like big houses, I don’t drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.

I’m not gay, so I don’t know much about Broadway musicals.

I have always loved Las Vegas. It’s a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

A lot of people think I’m difficult to work with. It’s not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn’t really matter. I guess I’m somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.

I like to do talk show appearances where I get to just be myself, and I do stand-up where I can completely be myself. That’s what I’ve always loved the most, of anything.

I don’t like sports where it’s like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don’t know who’s ahead ever.

I’ve been offered political shows before, and I don’t know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions – there’s consequences to them. I often think I’m wrong, so I really don’t like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.

In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That’s how you know who the best player is.

I don’t have any ego about it, but I find there’s not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you’re dead.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.

I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it’s very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I’m not a great actor, so if the material isn’t good, I’m in torment while I do it.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser.

I just like doing standup, that’s all I’m interested in or good at.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren’t in very good shape.

I love writing – it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration.

My dad had this thing – everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that’s all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. ‘Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?’