Steven Wright Quotes

Here, we’ve compiled a list of the best Steven Wright Quotes. Let’s look at these pieces of wisdom. We definitely have something to learn from them!

1
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
Steven Wright
2
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
3
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
4
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
Steven Wright
5
My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
Steven Wright
6
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
7
There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
8
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
Steven Wright
9
My secret to staying young… Having no sense of time.
Steven Wright
10
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
Steven Wright
11
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
Steven Wright
12
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
13
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
Steven Wright
14
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.
Steven Wright
15
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
16
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
17
I’m addicted to placebos.
Steven Wright
18
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
19
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
20
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
21
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
Steven Wright
22
I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
Steven Wright
23
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
24
I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
25
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
26
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
27
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
28
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
29
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
30
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
Steven Wright
31
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
32
I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
33
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
Steven Wright
34
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
35
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.
Steven Wright
36
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
Steven Wright
37
It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.
Steven Wright
38
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
39
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
40
I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.
Steven Wright
41
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Steven Wright
42
To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
43
When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‘There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.’ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.
Steven Wright
44
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
45
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’
Steven Wright
46
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
Steven Wright
47
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
48
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
49
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
Steven Wright
50
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.
Steven Wright
51
It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.
Steven Wright
52
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright
53
I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
54
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
Steven Wright
55
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
Steven Wright
56
I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
57
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
58
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.
Steven Wright
59
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
60
If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.
Steven Wright
61
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
Steven Wright
62
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
63
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
64
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.
Steven Wright
65
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
66
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
67
I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.
Steven Wright
68
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.
Steven Wright
69
I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
70
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
71
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven Wright
72
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
73
The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.
Steven Wright
74
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
75
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
76
My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.
Steven Wright
77
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
78
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
Steven Wright
79
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
80
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright